March 27, 2008
To Settle Or Not To Settle?
As young women, we're faced with choices on a daily basis: What am I going to wear today, do I have enough time to eat a good breakfast, will the bus arrive on time, will I be late for work, do I have enough money to do laundry or can I make it to class on time?
But what about choices that deal with matters of the heart? For me, the ideal relationship is one where you actually enjoy the other person's presence, have chemistry, can laugh or cry together and have deep conversations about life. Maybe that's just what I look for in a partner as do many of my 20-something friends. For us, having a boyfriend or a girlfriend is not a big deal — we have our careers to focus on and the rest of our lives to find that special someone.
But if it were up to author Lori Gottlieb, we would all have a life partner, even if we don't really like them. Gottlieb is the author of "Marry Him!", an article in The Atlantic that has sparked a national debate on whether women need men to survive in life. According to Gottlieb, women should just settle down and marry any available person before it is too late and we end up like her: a single 40-year-old parent who has to juggle a career and a child all by herself.
Hmmm, maybe Gottlieb has a point? Is it better to be with Joe Smith, who's in debt, physically abusive and a cheater, or feel alone and face pity stares from coupled friends or strangers like Bridget Jones?
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Gottlieb points out in her article that an added bonus to settling down, is that if the marriage fails, women get "child-support payments and a free night off when the kids go to Dad's house for a sleepover."
Ah ha, I can see the true benefits of settling down: child-support payments! (The red flags are suddenly flying fast and high.)
Divorce Factors
I hate to bring up divorce while discussing a romantic topic like child support, but what about the fact that U.S. divorce rates are estimated to be around 50 percent? If marriage is so great, why are so many people divorcing? And, do women really need to have a man in their lives to succeed and survive? Is she attempting to reverse the independence women have achieved in the past 30 years?
On the culture of feminism, Gottlieb had this to say: "If you say you're not worried [about finding a mate], either you're in denial or you're lying. In fact, take a good look in the mirror and try to convince yourself that you're not worried, because you'll see how silly your face looks when you're being disingenuous."
Hello! Calling 1950s?
I understand that Gottlieb is just one woman in this universe with strong opinions on marriage and relationships. However, I just have to wonder if Gottlieb considered women who pioneered the feminist movement, and those who guaranteed Gottlieb and others the opportunity to be single mothers and publish articles like "Marry Him!"
Maybe Gottlieb's generation forgot about Betty Friednan's best-seller, The Feminine Mystique, which encouraged women to break out of traditional family roles?
Yes, I realize that there are many feminist websites and publications like Feministing or Ms. Magazine , that counter Gottlieb's logic. The fact still remains that women should not have to rely on a man to survive in life.
Instead of settling for Mr. or Ms. Red Flag, people should just focus on being happy, strong, educated, self-sufficient independent individuals with a career. If and when Mr. or Ms. Right comes along, they'll enhance our lives, not make them worse. Until then, we should just rely on ourselves to get things done in life, and not settle for that child support check to come in the mail.
- Posted by Lemery Reyes at 12:00PM on 03/27/08
- 1 comment
Lemery Reyes is an editorial intern at Wiretap, whose articles have appeared in publications such as Philippine News, Star Studio Magazine (US Edition), News Photography Magazine and Veg News Magazine. As a San Francisco native, Lemery enjoys writing about current events and holds a B.A. in journalism from San Francisco State University.
Different Perspectives
Posted by: ffs0013 on Mar 27, 2008 2:35 PM
I'd venture a guess and say Gottlieb is bitter or jaded. I'm not sure everyone needs to have a boyfriend, girlfriend, or be in a relationship. Some of us are just not equipped to do so. Many of us are fine with our lives, independent of another being.For someone like me, I have not been single for much of my college years to the present time. Why? Because, I wanted to be in a relationship. At first, I was in a bad relationship which lasted nearly 4 years, but that ended and life went on. For a short month, I was single, and seeing other people, but I was okay with myself. Then, I wound up in another relationship, which has had its up and downs, and I've learned that I am okay without that special someone, because I'm self-reliant and quite capable of taking care of myself, and others if need be. I am sure it was not a case of necessity.
What would be the driving need for me to be with anyone? It's hard enough to be happy alone, never mind adding a second or however many people into your life, in a relationship. Simply said, it's probably better alone than being a couple, but you compromise, because you want to!
Before being in any kind of relationship, you should be good with yourself first. Never mind the pity stares, etc. Why does it matter so much?
What is this about settling? To some extent, we do settle for things and people in life...but for a relationship, to just marry someone/anyone, and then hope that in the worst-case scenario--the kids and that you will have spousal and child support, just seems too calculated, selfish and just plain stupid to me. Why would you put yourself, or any progeny through that??!?
It's better to be happy in single existence, than miserable with a jerk for life.
Life/love is what you make of it. And remember, people can complicate that sometimes.