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YM Blog-a-thon: Sex Update
(From Wednesday to Wednesday, May 28-June 4, 2008, WireTap and YO! Youth Outlook are hosting the fourth youth media blog-a-thon. This month's topic is sex. Young folks– along with any youth bloggers dedicated to writing about youth issues and youth media – will address the topic of sex.)
Here's an update on our ongoing discussion on sex:
Does good sex lead to a good relationship?
Feeshauce answers:
As much as those lesbian U-Haul stereotypes are often common enough, I’ve been jaded from too many broken relationships to still be that naive. No, other than that first night of amazing (admittedly, not entirely sober on my part) flirting and sex, we took it ’slow.’ Partly out of necessity — living eight hours apart can do that. We talked, learned a lot about each other, opened up, joked around, and built up that comfortableness and security before we saw each other again.
On the dating game:
From Sidelined:
See, the thing is, I have a tough time "playing" the game when I know how badly it hurts to get played. I know how painful it is to get fucked up by patriarchy time and time again. So when I see a woman I think I might want to ask out, I don't. I get stuck on the sting of sleazy advances and objectification and struggle to find the path that allows me to be her respite from that world.
On identity, awkwardness and losing your virginity:
From ColinResponse:
I lost my virginity (here’s the part you were waiting for) to my first “real” girlfriend on a trampoline (seriously) during the summer of 1999, and it wasn’t as glamorous as it sounds (NOT that this sounds glamorous in ANY way)...I look back at these thoughts and about the fact that while I truly wanted to have sex with my girlfriend at the time, there was a bit TOO much relief that came from it just being over and done with. As men, we get railroaded into having our masculinity questioned if we are not having (a lot of) sex with (many) women.
On choosing to wait:
From Youth Outlook:
I recently had a conversation with my very close friend who has a date this Saturday with a guy three years older than her... She mentioned that she feels like, at 17, too young to give up her virginity. She mentioned that she had the same conversation with her mom earlier that day where she had found out her mom and aunts had all lost their virginity by the time they were 16. Personally, I was proud that she had come to her own conclusion that she was too young, which I also felt but, not wanting to impose myself on her, left for her to decide on her own.
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YM Blog-a-thon: Learning to Love
(Editor's note: Youth Outlook and WireTap are kicking off the fourth Youth Media Blog-a-thon. This month's topic is sex. Check both sites frequently for updates, and feel free to join the discussion!)
In late December, a group of friends and I sat on my homegirls bedroom floor and shared New Year's resolutions. We talked for hours, drinks in hand, and shared sob stories of former boo's and missed opportunities. Our stories were all different, but one thing was certain: the new year was going to be different. So we made a pact and jokingly called it 'Campaign '08': the unabashed pursuit of safe, non-dramatic romance with chill folks.
Simple, right? These mysterious lovers would magically appear when we were lonely, tell us how beautiful and talented we were, and then disappear when we got busy. No questions. No tears. If the new year meant that our country was on the verge of electing its first Black or female president, then damnit, we could find healthy relationships.
And I thought I needed one. My past few relationships had left me on edge. Some were ugly, while others were just stagnant and dissapointing. What started out as exciting and full of promise ended, in one way or another, with me deleting someone from my phone or IM buddy list. There was the multi-year relationship with a former best friend that went from disappointing to dramatic to downright ridiculous in a matter of months. Then there was the "we're-so-deep-no-one-else-can-understand" on again, off again romance with another close friend. Then there was the seductress who argued with me about Critical Race Theory and lived two hours away -- far beyond my designated dating zone. I've blamed myself, my partners, my family and society for my love's demise. Sometimes if I'm in a good mood, I'll mumble something about it being a test of fate, that I'm being challenged by our higher being, blah, blah, blah.
Lately, I've been shying away -- and sometimes running -- from anything that smells even slightly romantic. My excuse? I want time to myself. I want to deal with my shit. I want to stop looking for someone to be my perfect shield. I know that everyone has their baggage, and some of us have a lot more than others. And while I've grown to accept that the baggage will always be there, I want to figure out how I can carry it more effectively. Instead of spilling my shit in the middle of some busy intersection while trying to run for a bus to take me anywhere but my past, I want to be organized about it, put my pain and insecurities on a granny cart and strut my way down the block with the confident swag of someone who's mistake-prone but life-savvy.
Then I read an article about a woman who married herself.
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To Settle Or Not To Settle?
As young women, we're faced with choices on a daily basis: What am I going to wear today, do I have enough time to eat a good breakfast, will the bus arrive on time, will I be late for work, do I have enough money to do laundry or can I make it to class on time?
But what about choices that deal with matters of the heart? For me, the ideal relationship is one where you actually enjoy the other person's presence, have chemistry, can laugh or cry together and have deep conversations about life. Maybe that's just what I look for in a partner as do many of my 20-something friends. For us, having a boyfriend or a girlfriend is not a big deal — we have our careers to focus on and the rest of our lives to find that special someone.
But if it were up to author Lori Gottlieb, we would all have a life partner, even if we don't really like them. Gottlieb is the author of "Marry Him!", an article in The Atlantic that has sparked a national debate on whether women need men to survive in life. According to Gottlieb, women should just settle down and marry any available person before it is too late and we end up like her: a single 40-year-old parent who has to juggle a career and a child all by herself.
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Politicians and Prostitutes
(Ed's note: WireTap is thrilled to see our very own, WireTap contributor and editorial board advisor, Samhita Mukhopadhyay on The Nation online as their guest blogger this month! Be sure to check out her fearless, insightful takes on timely issues in the news, and post a comment of support. Thank you for highlighting some of the brightest young leaders, The Nation!)
I think I saw at least three different bloggers (including myself) refer to yesterday's admission by NY Governor Eliot Spitzer's hiring of a sex worker with just the word "wow." Understandable, given Spitzer's legal history wherein he has gained recognition for successfully prosecuting prostitution rings. Quite a contradiction it seems, but alas we see time and again, political power -- which often manifests as hyper-masculinity -- produces powerful men that just can't keep it in their pants. It makes sense to descend into the preconditioned response of chastising a politician for abusing power and trying to (stupidly) get away with paying for sex, not to mention transporting a human for the purpose of paying for sex. I think we can all agree that if a sex worker is going to get prosecuted, he should as well. No questions. ...Read the rest of Samhita's post on The Nation online.
Bois2Men
(Ed's note: This post originally appeared at Grits & Eggs)
Lately, all my bois have started becoming men. In the last few months, four of my closest trans brothers have started their physical transition — through femate-to-make top surgery and testosterone treatment or T. And I'm happy for them. Truly. But as half of me reaches out with open arms and congratulatory remarks, I feel the other half slowly backing out the door.
Why?
Well, I've come to realize that the reasoning involves a touch of jealousy, a bit of alienation, and a whole lot of fear.
Of course there's a part of me that yearns to be them — that wishes that my transition could just as easily include or disregard the rest of my immediate family. And clearly, it's difficult to find myself alone; The guys with whom I shared that scary process of self-unfoldment and coming out now swap stories about hormone shots and post-op delights to which I just can't relate.
But mostly, it's fear. I'm afraid of where our FTM (female-to-male transgender) community is right now. I'm afraid of the casualty with which young guys start hormones and schedule surgery. I'm afraid of how those conversations parallel those around body piercings and new tattoos.
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Celebrating 35 years of Roe v Wade
It is indeed something to celebrate that for 35 years we have managed to maintain the right to obtain legal abortions, despite animosity from those against women having the right to control their own reproductive health. But the fight has not been easy and the reproductive rights of women world-wide are tenuous because of the anti-woman, anti-choice policies mandated by conservative politicians in the United States. While we may celebrate the anniversary of Roe v Wade, let's not forget the fight it has taken to keep it alive and remind ourselves it has been a continual battle against laws that systematically and fanatically attempt to prohibit Roe's application. Laws such as the global gag rule that came into effect during George Bush's first term, the partial birth abortion ban held up by the SCOTUS this past year, or the Hyde Amendment a 30 year old law that severely restricts access to abortion by poor women and women of color, show us the fight to keep Roe alive and abortion accessible has been a difficult one.
Furthermore, it is important to remember during the anniversary of Roe v Wade, that reproductive justice for women is not just about the right to abortion. As a result of organizing groups such as Sister Song, California Latinas for Reproductive Justice and Asian Communities for Reproductive Justice, among others the definition of choice has been expanded in scope and has led to the development of the reproductive justice sector. According to ACRJ,
We believe reproductive justice is the complete physical, mental, spiritual, political, economic, and social well-being of women and girls, and will be achieved when women and girls have the economic, social and political power and resources to make healthy decisions about our bodies, sexuality and reproduction for ourselves, our families and our communities in all areas of our lives.
A campaign for reproductive justice includes a more holistic approach to women's health, rights and the health of our families. Reproductive justice is not just about our right to choose, but about sex education, access to reproductive health services, health care, healthy families, immigration rights, queer rights and the fight against racism. It is the fight for all women, despite race, class, gender, sexuality ethnicity or citizenship status, to have the right to make healthy choices for their own personhood. A fundamental right that has been made invisible by an anti-choice movement that has pandered to the religious right.
Mainstream coverage in the fight for reproductive justice has been shifted to the right by right wing messaging that has become one of our greatest challenges. Anti-choice, or as some like to call forced child-birth propaganda, has pitted communities against each other, characterizing pro-choice folks as anti-family, irresponsible, anti-religious, anti-faith, promiscuous and anti-baby. Outside of the straight up shaming of women, the worst piece of messaging young women have received through the anti-choice campaign is that we are in some way deserving of our "ill-found fate" (be it pregnancy or STD's) because of bad choices we have made. Pro-lifers use imagery of happy families, religion and a supposed moral authority to cover up the vicious nature of anti-choice laws that diminish the lives of women and is a serious threat to our health and well-being.
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