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Autism on Campus: The Other Diversity

By Daniel Passantino, February 25, 2007

 
danielle

Personal Voice: "I spent my days as tense as a hunted animal, fearing the scornful gazes of students who shunned me like they would a person who'd committed a heinous crime."

As I walked home through Central Park one afternoon -- having been expelled from Hunter College's Manhattan dorms that morning -- I was so emotionally drained that even the bare trees seemed vivacious by comparison. During my two months as a resident student, I'd lost 15 pounds, slept maybe five hours a night, and had constant, vivid, flashbacks of my many humiliations. I spent my days as tense as a hunted animal, fearing the scornful gazes of students who shunned me as they would a person who'd committed a heinous crime. My self-esteem was shattered; when enough people look at you with disgust, it's hard not to see yourself as disgusting. As for why? The best answer I have is that, in this era of tolerance, on a campus where the mere mention of racism elicits anger, I was guilty of being different from my peers.

My most marked difference from the other students is labeled "Asperger's Syndrome" (AS). It's a milder form of autism. According to a CDC study released in February, about 1 in every 150 American children has an "Autistic Spectrum Disorder." That category includes everyone with some variant of the disability. Asperger's Syndrome, which is one of the least conspicuous conditions on the autism spectrum, doesn't alter the appearance or reduce the academic abilities of those with it -- but renders us "Aspies" unable to intuit emotions from body language. In conversations, people without social disabilities -- pejoratively called "neurotypicals" -- rely on a steady stream of unspoken social data to time their words so smoothly their entire interactions seem almost prechoreographed. Since we Aspies don't pick up on these cues, we wind up awkwardly barging into chats, or getting sidelined out of them. Not getting much in the way of social feedback also makes us forthright to the point where many people find us offensive. The notion of dissembling to "protect" someone's feelings doesn't come naturally to us. After all, we can't understand people who aren't completely honest with us. In hindsight, my decision to enter a college dormitory -- a socially trying place for even a neurotypical -- was, to put it mildly, misguided.

At first, things went well for me at the dorms. I made lots of acquaintances there and figured I was well on my way to starting a new life as a "normal" person. Within a few days, though, I found that whenever I tried to go somewhere with the people I'd met, they'd tell me that they'd already made arrangements with their own buddies.

Barely two weeks of the semester had passed before loose bunches of students crystallized into cliques. These met all their members' needs for companionship, but left outsiders like me with few opportunities to socialize with those in them. I figured that I could solve the problem of my isolation from these groups by forming bonds with individuals. One way I tried to do this was by holding little ice-cream parties in the lounge of my dorm floor with open invitations. People came, ate my food and conversed among themselves.

My main strategy, though, was simply to ask people to go out to get coffee, see movies, or visit museums with me. When, after getting put off with "wait until next week" several times, I'd inquire about planning up to a month in advance, but my acquaintances would tell me they were still too busy, even though they were always hanging out with other people.

Instead of going places with students, I began getting summoned to meetings with the school staff where I'd be told "certain students felt threatened" by my "hanging around them," that "troubling stories" about me had been heard and that I'd been "stalking people." In hindsight, my best guess as to why this happened is that some of my classmates wanted me to stay away from them, but for fear of "hurting my feelings," had indicated their desires nonverbally rather than by rejecting me outright. As an Aspie, I don't pick up on social warning signals. Eventually the situation at the dorm worsened to the point where I was ordered out.

Social scientists have recently noted that modern, socially mobile Americans -- like college students -- tend to actively seek out groups of like-minded people. That tendency was labeled "homophily" (literally, love of the same) and is hypothesized to be based on a desire for comfort. The implications of this are disturbing for an already socially polarized country; for people with AS, they're even worse. Simply put, Aspies make most people uncomfortable. Society is so inundated with rituals of politesse that those who don't follow them are considered offensive. As a result, people like me wind up ostracized, not as a result of widespread anti-autistic hate-mongering, but simply because neurotypicals find our differences disquieting. It's bigotry by default.

The first step towards eliminating intolerance for people with Asperger's Syndrome has to be taken by Aspies. We need to be open about having the disorder. I spent a long time pretending -- even to myself -- that I wasn't autistic and could just "fit in." Of course, denying I was an Aspie didn't stop me from being one; it just prevented me from taking advantage of information about autism which could have helped me adapt to college. People at my school were left to assume that all of my differences from them were attributable to trouble-making impulses.

I think the main reason Aspies are hesitant to be open about having AS is that they see their label as a mark of shame. That was the case for me. After my expulsion from the dorms, though, that changed. I didn't embrace my Aspie identity to be courageous. It was simply that, under the circumstances, I could either agree with most of my classmates that I deserved to be excluded, or come to grips with the fact that I was different. I opted for the latter.

Nowadays I'm damned proud to be an Aspie. My bluntness may offend people, but at least I don't have to walk around feeling I'm a fake. Another typically Aspie tendency I have is to analyze issues rather than to simply emote over them. This makes me come off as "cold" sometimes, but it also often enables me to gain a deeper understanding of issues than supposedly more "insightful" neurotypicals. In essence, I approach the world as a place where problems usually have a cause that can be reasoned out with enough contemplation. The way I see it, figuring out why things happen is the first step to making them better. Finally, like many Aspies, I have "hypersensitive senses." Loud noises and bright lights pain me -- but, at the risk of sounding poetic -- I'm also able to experience the beauties of this world more vividly. Considering that Aspies' variant neurology sometimes has -- well -- benefits as well as drawbacks, I think it should be considered a form of diversity to be tolerated, not merely a disease to be stamped out.

From what nonautistics have told me, I'm like a bull in a china shop when it comes to socializing. Sometimes even those close to me get tired of my breaking interpersonal taboos. However, to extend the metaphor, they don't expect me to quit being clumsy and to start tap dancing like everyone else. That's fine by me. Tolerance is about getting along more or less in harmony, not being the same.

Daniel Passantino, 19, is a sophomore currently enrolled in the Macaulay Honors College at CUNY Hunter. He lives with his parents and sister in Manhattan. As of yet he has not selected a major but hopes to find a career that will allow him to continue advocating for the disabled.

For more information on the Asperger's Syndrome, visit these sites:
http://www.aspennj.org
http://www.ahany.org
http://www.udel/edu
http://www.tonyattwood.com

Neurotypicals from an Aspie perspective:
http://isnt.autistics.org

 
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wow

Posted by: jll12 on Feb 27, 2007 8:01 AM

hey dan ... that was an amazing article .... i think u might want to consider a career in journalism ... good job !!! your cusin joe
 
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A Troubling Tale of Intolerance

Posted by: canadagirl on Feb 28, 2007 4:31 PM

I am bothered by the intolerance and lack of compassion displayed by Daniel's peers at Hunter College. The fact that these are university students is especially upsetting. The narrow-mindedness and poor choices of his fellow dorm residents seem to be more characteristic of children in the eighth grade.

I feel that the complaints Daniel's peers made about him to the school staff were unkind and immature. If they truly felt bothered by the way he was acting around them, they should have told him. I wonder how things may have turned out differently if some of those people would have said 'yes' when Daniel asked them to go out for coffee or to a movie with him. Or if they just talked to him for fifteen minutes or so in the dorm cafeteria or walked with him to class. Many 'geeks' and 'socially awkward' individuals turn out to be very sweet and interesting when others look at them beyond the surface.

I have a friend who is autistic. He is extremely high functioning, although slightly more autistic than those with Asperger's Syndrome. He lives in another city and I rarely see him, but I remember a wonderful conversation that I had with him a few years ago. Indeed, this boy said a number of random things and repeated his thoughts over and over. Yet he struck me as a genuinely kind and gentle person, and I greatly enjoyed his company.

I wish that Daniel's peers would have tried to understand him. Indeed, he was different from them, but they could have placed some effort into finding common ground.
 
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What is normal?

Posted by: mac64 on Mar 1, 2007 7:13 AM

Your article is so insightful. It makes me wonder how 'neurotypicals' really 'feel' about each other, let alone 'aspies'. What intuition and emotionality permits a person to shut someone else out just because they don't communicate along the same channels? The social world has its own pathologies that are far worse than AS. I had some pretty awful experiences myself at college some time ago, before the term 'aspie' was invented. All the time I went through a kind of hell in my own darkness thinking there was something evil about me - the effect of so many people calling me everything you might imagine. Me getting into trouble despite my being honest and open and doing everything in good faith - trying my best to do what Jesus would have done in very situation. Even after college as a teacher I had students giving me the same kinds of grief. I'm getting over it now, but I still have no intention of labelling myself. One reason why I refuse to admit to 'abnormality' is that 'normal' people treated me the way they did, and still do. If they are normal then I certainly am not abnormal. Aren't normal people supposed to be intuitive, perceptive, insightful, and accepting of diversity? Human? Thank you Daniel for writing an inspiring piece.
 
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Good points all around!

Posted by: AnneC on Mar 1, 2007 4:54 PM

Considering that Aspies' variant neurology sometimes has -- well -- benefits as well as drawbacks, I think it should be considered a form of diversity to be tolerated, not merely a disease to be stamped out.

Absolutely. As a fellow autistic-spectrum person I am well aware of the dualistic nature of the traits one is granted by virtue of neurological wiring. I have had people ask me before what they think of the idea of "curing" only the negative aspects of autism while leaving the benefits, but it's really all part of a package. For instance, like you, I am hypersensitive to sound, but I believe that this gives me greater access to all the various tones and pitches and music that surround us. I also experience a strong affinity for visual patterns and notice numerous small details that many people miss -- this means I'm likely to be found staring at random things in public and fixating on "mundane objects", but I find a joy in these things I would never want to give up.

I don't think the answer is to dampen my hearing through re-wiring my brain, but for me to utilize ways of handling and accomodating sensory overload, and for other people to learn to be understanding and tolerant of such things. One thing I find extremely helpful in the "avoiding overload" regard is active noise-cancelling headphones...I highly recommend these if you don't already have a pair.

One thing I think that needs to happen is that parents of autistic children need to learn from autistic adults, so that these children can grow up not hating or being afraid of being who and what they are, and learning healthy and appropriate coping mechanisms. If someone had told me about sensory sensitivity when I was much younger, and if my strong interests in certain things had not been seen by teachers as signs of willfulness and disobedience but rather a driven passion for learning about something, I think growing up would have been a far better experience. Pathologizing difference is not the way to usher in a brighter and more tolerant future.

- Anne
 
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The Mom

Posted by: The Mom on Mar 2, 2007 12:32 AM

Daniel,

Thank you for taking the time to write this very sad but well-written article about your experience at college. I am the parent of two boys with ASD. I feel the pain that you feel when people are not nice to our family. However, the real loss is for the people who were so nasty to you. They are missing out on knowing a quality person. As far as the school goes I think that you should look at filling a civil rights complaint against them. They should be looking out for you and educating others about the disability of Autism/Aspergers. Take care and keep your chin up.

Fall down seven times, stand up eight.
Chinese Proverb
 
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Keep Your Head Up

Posted by: spring95 on Mar 2, 2007 6:12 AM

Daniel,

Keep doing the wonderful job that you are doing staying true to who you are no matter what the world says or believes. It is unfortunate: the students who fear you so much because you don't fit their preconceived ideas of what is "normal" are truly the ones missing out.

Be blessed!
 
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Persistence

Posted by: bwitanek on Mar 8, 2007 1:36 PM

Hey Daniel!

One important thing about your article is your demonstrated persistence in trying over and again even after failed attempts to make friends. Hopefully the challenges you faced will not discourage you in that regard. File a thousand arrows and one is likely to hit the target. You don't need everybody as your friend but one or more will do.

Another way that being asp might help you is that many NTs would be devastated after rejection after rejection and then being booted from the dorm. Since you might be less concerned or fixated on self image than most, you apparently keep rolling forward. Others might crawl into a coccoon under such circumstances.

Keep looking - you will find your soul mates and your partners. They are out there. Don't give up and cast an ever widening net.

Bob
 
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Great Article

Posted by: Kathy E. on Mar 17, 2007 11:41 PM

I'm a 62 year old grandmother, homeschooling an almost six year old very high functioning autistic grandson. I had trouble in the dorms myself, as did my children, especially my daughter--I thought your article was exceptionally well-written. People on the spectrum need, at the very least, single rooms in dormitory housing, but the issues are more than that--constant noise, sometimes criminal activity (drugs, etc.), alcohol binges...and then they shun you because you don't have good social skills! Give me a break! You are fortunate to be out of there. But, I would suggest that anybody on the spectrum who is even thinking of living in a dorm in college go to the authorities and disclose your diagnosis so that you can be protected by the ADA.

Peace,
Kathy E.
 
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A Belated Comment

Posted by: faeriefangs on Apr 3, 2007 7:21 AM

Ugh, what a bunch of shallow, cold-hearted jerks. They remind me of some people at my former high school. Unlike you, I stopped trying to make friends with them fairly fast and became the school weirdo partly through choice, which was kind of fun since it was a conservative all-girls prep school and I was mostly feared rather than bullied. I was also lucky enough to make a few friends over the years, so my experience wasn't as lousy as yours. Still, as a fellow Asperger's person (I hate "aspie" and most other cute abbreviations,) I have some understanding of where you're coming from and admire your courage and persistance. Like Bill Gates, Warren Buffett, and many other very successful socially awkward geeks, I bet you'll have the last laugh. ;)
 
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Great Article - thank you for sharing your experience

Posted by: ASDparent on Apr 22, 2007 5:46 AM

I have a son in grade school with autism that I have high hopes for in terms of being able to attend college and become a successful productive member of the coummunity in circumstances of his own choosing. The kinds of things you have noted that have happened to you are the kinds of things I fear him having to face as well. I think you did a wonderful job sharing your experience and I for one appreciate all that you have to offer. I agree with your cousin Joe and the others.....you have much to offer and I wish you all the best in pursuing your career goals and dreams.

Thank you for sharing.