Ask A Sex Goddess

By Sex Goddess, WireTap
Posted on March 7, 2007, Printed on November 22, 2008
http://www.wiretapmag.org/sex/43044/

Dear Sex Goddess,

I am really torn about this one. I am a leading activist working with many progressive causes. I was "involved" for about a year with a very prominent activist in my home area. We started out working together, became friends and then it headed for more. He said it could become more. He courted me persistently. I stupidly fell hard for him and was very honest about this with him. I guess that totally freaked him out cause he then showed up at a party (at which a bunch of our mutual friends were present) with another woman. I left without making a scene but most people in the room realized what had happened and several of them contacted me to say: "run away from him as fast as you can." He does this to all of the women he is with. I kind of wish they had told me sooner but it certainly made it a lot easier for me to decide whether it was worth trying to save the relationship or not. NOT!!!

My moral dilemma is that I now know way more about his past (from lots of folks who have known him a lot longer than I have), present and future behavior and I am concerned about the women and children he will emotionally devastate as he continues his path of destruction. He uses women like Kleenex and has no compunction about it. Evidently I am the first to walk away this early in the relationship and stay away and also the first to call him on his pathological behavior, not that it did anything more than make him angry. Many others have kept going back for more emotional abuse until he has finally totally destroyed their lives. He deliberately targets women with small children because he can reel them in and when they are totally dependent and ensnared he can go off to his "weekends" and do whatever he wants knowing that she is tied to home and hearth.

He is very charming and certainly represents himself as a caring individual with "good boundaries" which he defines as not going after the 20 something women. He has many great attributes. And I still admire him for his great work for "the cause." I now realize, however, that the reason he is such a great organizer is because he has no emotional empathy and no compunction about using people for his own ends. So what is my best course of action in order to show solidarity with my sisters and protect their children? I feel like telling every woman I see him with that he is a serial philanderer who has never been faithful to any woman he has ever been with. I know this will just come off as bitter revenge and most of them will not believe me. Several of his "friends" have begged me to talk to the woman he is with now (she has two small children) and save her and her kids from the fall. I don't think she would believe me ... I know I would not have believed this of him six months ago.

To top it all off, if I want to keep working in progressive causes in my area I will be running into him frequently. I refuse to let him drive me away from the work I care about but it has made for some awkward situations. If he finds out I am telling the truth about his MO to present and future victims it could get really nasty. I'm not scared of him but it could impact the work.

Suggestions?

Concerned for the children

Dear Concerned,

What a coldhearted bastard! First of all, come let the Sex Goddess give you a hug. Now let's howl at the moon and burn his pictures and brochures from his organization. It is frustrating to the point of devastation that so many of our best organizers are actually manipulative, heartless evangelists of personal destruction. There's a couple of things to consider here.

The first is that no matter how broadly heartful your intentions are in alerting other women to the badness of Mr. Prominence, it will absolutely come off as vindictive ex. But so what? Who can tell the truth with more vitriolic flare than the publicly spurned? That said ... let it go.

I mean you could slip the news to those close to his new lady friend with raised eyebrows and slight shaking of head that he is no good, but it will take far more plotting and scheming on your part than I advise ever giving an ex. You could instead be pouring that time into your next true love.

The truth is, when most folks hear that someone charming and brilliant and single who they've just started seeing is actually an asshole, there is a small part of their brain which says -- 'I can change him/her.' That part evenutally becames a raving lunatic but until such point, logical presentations of anything in opposition to their lustful desire for that particular asshole will fall on deaf, resistant, rebellious ears. And you will look like a mudslinging bitter lonely woman. Post his profile on www.dontdatehimgirl.com and move on with your life.

SG

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Do you have a question? Email SG at SexAndRelationships@WireTapMag.org.

Rules:

1. I hate rules!
2. There are no stupid questions, only stupid hang-ups.
3. Pleasure came before political correctness, and so should you!
4. Love yourself first.

Who: Who I am is unimportant. I do, however, enjoy sex, dally in various relationships, and on top of that I am an organizer by trade, or perhaps faith. I declare here and now that I know as much as anyone about sex and relationships -- which is roughly nothing and everything.

Why: Organizers, activists, change makers, closet progressives -- people trying to save the world often have a hard time figuring out how to ... do it. Whatever it might be at the moment -- love, dominate, submit, indulge, deny, give, take, fight, let go, wonder, know. I secretly suspect that if everyone were able to find the freedom to really love and please themselves (not to mention each other), the world would be a much more peaceful place.

Click here to access all of SG's sex and relationships wisdom.

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