Ask A Sex Goddess

By Sex Goddess, WireTap
Posted on April 13, 2007, Printed on November 22, 2008
http://www.wiretapmag.org/sex/43075/

Dear Sex Goddess,

Help, help, help! I hooked up with a friend, and it was NOT good. I thought he was all that and so fly. But when we hooked up for the first time ever he spoke to me like we were in a porno. Too soon! He didn't make sure I got mine, either. I think of all the love advice I've given him -- he probably wasn't doing them right either! I'm an open communicator type. Do I tell him the loving was sub-par, and not only do I never want to hook up again but he needs professional help?? Or just awkwardly avoid his penis forever? If he could learn I'd love to try again...

BFFFF with a Bedroom Loser

Dear BFFFF,

Ah, when friend-with-benefitships go wrong.

I would first review any external factors which may have disrupted good loving. Were y'all drunk? Are you both single or in open relationships where no one else could be damaged by the hook-up? (Guilt can either make the sex phenomenal in that 'we're so bad' way, or make the sex horrific in that 'we suck as people' way.) Is he hooked on porn? Were you expecting perfection the first time?

I hear of hot hook-up stories between friends so rarely (if you know of any, send them in!) that I usually advise, if the friendship is good, leave the lust alone.

Now that you have insight that you didn't have before, I would actually say an honest conversation is in order. But ONLY if you are clear on whether you will or won't hook up again. No mixed messages! Otherwise y'all might never make it past the assumptions, hurt feelings and awkwardness.

How he came up short was fairly specific -- he didn't get you off. Start there -- 'I didn't feel like you were committed to me getting off ... what is your usual experience with your partner's orgasms'?' He may not have known what to look for, he may have been in situations where his partner didn't demand satisfaction.

And as far as the porn talk too soon? Sounds like a timing issue. I recommend the Sexy Shhh move. Get on top, put two fingers over his lips, lean into his ear and say 'Shhh ... I want to hear it.'

Good Luck!

SG

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Do you have a question? Email SG at SexAndRelationships@WireTapMag.org.

Rules:

1. I hate rules!
2. There are no stupid questions, only stupid hang-ups.
3. Pleasure came before political correctness, and so should you!
4. Love yourself first.

Who: Who I am is unimportant. I do, however, enjoy sex, dally in various relationships, and on top of that I am an organizer by trade, or perhaps faith. I declare here and now that I know as much as anyone about sex and relationships -- which is roughly nothing and everything.

Why: Organizers, activists, change makers, closet progressives -- people trying to save the world often have a hard time figuring out how to ... do it. Whatever it might be at the moment -- love, dominate, submit, indulge, deny, give, take, fight, let go, wonder, know. I secretly suspect that if everyone were able to find the freedom to really love and please themselves (not to mention each other), the world would be a much more peaceful place.

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