Ask A Sex Goddess

By Sex Goddess, WireTap
Posted on June 15, 2007, Printed on July 5, 2008
http://www.wiretapmag.org/sex/43130/

Hey SG,

I met a beautiful person almost a year ago. We really liked each other as friends and i slowly began to fall in love with him. He was really attentive to me and I could even talk to him about wanting to have sex with him (before this, he had made an actual advance in the middle of the night i spent at his shared apartment in college). Sex didn't really work out but we overlooked it and kept things sweet and special. It was transcendental until I had to leave town for three months. The goodbyes were super warm and somewhat tear-jerking and I loved him dearly so I wrote him emails feverishly -- some mundane, some just about life and a few carrying my feelings for him.

I was ecstatic to go back and be with him but everything had changed in such a short span of time. He was stuck in the wrong job (a guitarist stuck in the bank as an auditor) and seemed very disoriented and lost. I wanted to help him in any way possible.

he met me, but the conversation ran thin (though feelings were strong, at least from my side) and we fell into awkwardness. I wanted to meet him again but he avoided it rather harshly. This hurt me a lot since I was brimful with expectations. I had to leave town wounded and was lonely and heart broken for the next half-a-dozen months. Having no other outlet, I lashed out my hurt feelings to him in another email, which he has left unanswered. Self-healed and looking back, I feel it's a shame to lose a good friend like him. but since he really left that email unanswered, it might be just okay to let it be. I only need your opinion.

thanks,
confused single babe.

Dear Confused,

I am going to give you props on recognizing your confused state. Here's the thing: he didn't like you like that. It's nice that you could express wanting to have sex with him, and confusing that he did whatever advance he did long ago. However! When sex doesn't work out and he doesn't write back and he avoids meeting up ... yeah, no. It's not flowing both ways. I see so many people get into situations like this. You meet someone nice, you feel the magic and project some magic onto them, and then you engage in what you would categorize as a relationship with them, primarily, one sided. The other person isn't feeling you like you are feeling him, but gives you just enough driftwood to keep a tiny fire going. Do yourself a favor and let it go! Free your babe-self up emotionally for someone who will jerk you off instead of jerk you around!

SG

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Do you have a question? Email SG at SexAndRelationships@WireTapMag.org.

Rules:

1. I hate rules!
2. There are no stupid questions, only stupid hang-ups.
3. Pleasure came before political correctness, and so should you!
4. Love yourself first.

Who: Who I am is unimportant. I do, however, enjoy sex, dally in various relationships, and on top of that I am an organizer by trade, or perhaps faith. I declare here and now that I know as much as anyone about sex and relationships -- which is roughly nothing and everything.

Why: Organizers, activists, change makers, closet progressives -- people trying to save the world often have a hard time figuring out how to ... do it. Whatever it might be at the moment -- love, dominate, submit, indulge, deny, give, take, fight, let go, wonder, know. I secretly suspect that if everyone were able to find the freedom to really love and please themselves (not to mention each other), the world would be a much more peaceful place.

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