Ask a Sex Goddess

By Sex Goddess, WireTap
Posted on September 21, 2007, Printed on November 22, 2008
http://www.wiretapmag.org/sex/43239/

Dear Sex Goddess,

I've been seeing this man for four months. On our very first date, we had sex and it was amazing. Amazing. Since then we've had many dates -- or at least many evenings at my house. We have lots of energy, but he never seems to want to have sex -- just talk through problems and then leave.

After a month or so I asked what was wrong and he said he wanted to get to know me better. We hang out one-on-one all the time, he flirts and I flirt back, we talk about everything, but no sex. I'm all for getting to know each other, but this seems extreme to me. Should I be patient based on the value of the other aspects of the relationship, or date others as well?

Help

Dear Help,

You aren't going to like my answers, but I know too many loved ones who had languished in the crap of someone else's issues for far too long. You have been patient with your friend, but at this point you should consider the sex the anomaly. You hang out one-on-one, and it doesn't sound like you've met each others friends or community, and you spend most time talking though his problems. You are his closet counselor, paid with the currency of occasional physical affection.

Consider these possible truths: your 'fantastic night of sex' wasn't as good for him. That might have nothing to do with you! Your 'chemistry' isn't overcoming communication barriers that would ensure regular mind-blowing sex. Your relationship is a friendship that isn't going to be more, but could be enjoyable as is.

Dismiss the questions -- Am I unattractive? Is he gay? Will it happen this time? -- that are really assumptions. It's not working! Move on! You don't have to clear this with him, no big dramatic conversation on it, just do it for yourself.

Good luck!

Sex Goddess

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Do you have a question? Email SG at SexAndRelationships@WireTapMag.org.

Rules:

1. I hate rules!
2. There are no stupid questions, only stupid hang-ups.
3. Pleasure came before political correctness, and so should you!
4. Love yourself first.

Who: Who I am is unimportant. I do, however, enjoy sex, dally in various relationships, and on top of that I am an organizer by trade, or perhaps faith. I declare here and now that I know as much as anyone about sex and relationships -- which is roughly nothing and everything.

Why: Organizers, activists, change makers, closet progressives -- people trying to save the world often have a hard time figuring out how to ... do it. Whatever it might be at the moment -- love, dominate, submit, indulge, deny, give, take, fight, let go, wonder, know. I secretly suspect that if everyone were able to find the freedom to really love and please themselves (not to mention each other), the world would be a much more peaceful place.

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