Ask A Sex Goddess

By Sex Goddess, WireTap
Posted on November 4, 2007, Printed on October 7, 2008
http://www.wiretapmag.org/sex/43297/

Dear Sex Goddess,

I can't get over my ex. We broke up over a year ago and aren't even on speaking terms anymore. We dated for almost three years and I still find myself thinking about her and getting mad. The thought of her is ruining my life! I've even dated other folks since, but it still feels like everything I do is in spite of my ex. What should I do???

Thanks,
Angry & Heartbroken

Dear Heartbroken.

I've heard it said that however long a relationship lasts, it takes twice that long to truly get over it. This time can be expedited by new love, or divided by the number of times you tried to break up before you made it, or slashed in half if you did the breaking up. But everyone knows love and math don't mix and the pain of heartbreak has no equal. A couple of things that might help:

1. Closure. You are clearly lacking closure, so you're still basically reliving that anger over and over and letting it fester. She may not be able to give you that closure, unfortunately. Try talking with her, asking for compassion cause you need to get some things off your chest. If that doesn't work, rituals really do help. I love burning things, tossing things, upgrading pictures to show her truly demonic nature, getting rid of her things, writing I'm over her 5000 times in a notebook and then throwing it into a recycling bin...
2. Next Love. You need to get really romantic with yourself. A wise woman once said in any open relationship, your primary partner is yourself. You need to bestow upon yourself the kind of love that heals.

Good luck!
SG

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Do you have a question? Email SG at SexAndRelationships@WireTapMag.org.

Rules:

1. I hate rules!
2. There are no stupid questions, only stupid hang-ups.
3. Pleasure came before political correctness, and so should you!
4. Love yourself first.

Who: Who I am is unimportant. I do, however, enjoy sex, dally in various relationships, and on top of that I am an organizer by trade, or perhaps faith. I declare here and now that I know as much as anyone about sex and relationships -- which is roughly nothing and everything.

Why: Organizers, activists, change makers, closet progressives -- people trying to save the world often have a hard time figuring out how to ... do it. Whatever it might be at the moment -- love, dominate, submit, indulge, deny, give, take, fight, let go, wonder, know. I secretly suspect that if everyone were able to find the freedom to really love and please themselves (not to mention each other), the world would be a much more peaceful place.

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