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Ask A Sex Goddess
Dear Sex Goddess,
Help, help, help! I hooked up with a friend, and it was NOT good. I thought he was all that and so fly. But when we hooked up for the first time ever he spoke to me like we were in a porno. Too soon! He didn't make sure I got mine, either. I think of all the love advice I've given him -- he probably wasn't doing them right either! I'm an open communicator type. Do I tell him the loving was sub-par, and not only do I never want to hook up again but he needs professional help?? Or just awkwardly avoid his penis forever? If he could learn I'd love to try again...
BFFFF with a Bedroom Loser
Dear BFFFF,
Ah, when friend-with-benefitships go wrong.
I would first review any external factors which may have disrupted good loving. Were y'all drunk? Are you both single or in open relationships where no one else could be damaged by the hook-up? (Guilt can either make the sex phenomenal in that 'we're so bad' way, or make the sex horrific in that 'we suck as people' way.) Is he hooked on porn? Were you expecting perfection the first time?
I hear of hot hook-up stories between friends so rarely (if you know of any, send them in!) that I usually advise, if the friendship is good, leave the lust alone.
Now that you have insight that you didn't have before, I would actually say an honest conversation is in order. But ONLY if you are clear on whether you will or won't hook up again. No mixed messages! Otherwise y'all might never make it past the assumptions, hurt feelings and awkwardness.
How he came up short was fairly specific -- he didn't get you off. Start there -- 'I didn't feel like you were committed to me getting off ... what is your usual experience with your partner's orgasms'?' He may not have known what to look for, he may have been in situations where his partner didn't demand satisfaction.
And as far as the porn talk too soon? Sounds like a timing issue. I recommend the Sexy Shhh move. Get on top, put two fingers over his lips, lean into his ear and say 'Shhh ... I want to hear it.'
Good Luck!
SG
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Do you have a question? Email SG at SexAndRelationships@WireTapMag.org.
Rules:
1. I hate rules!
2. There are no stupid questions, only stupid hang-ups.
3. Pleasure came before political correctness, and so should you!
4. Love yourself first.
Who: Who I am is unimportant. I do, however, enjoy sex, dally in various relationships, and on top of that I am an organizer by trade, or perhaps faith. I declare here and now that I know as much as anyone about sex and relationships -- which is roughly nothing and everything.
Why: Organizers, activists, change makers, closet progressives -- people trying to save the world often have a hard time figuring out how to ... do it. Whatever it might be at the moment -- love, dominate, submit, indulge, deny, give, take, fight, let go, wonder, know. I secretly suspect that if everyone were able to find the freedom to really love and please themselves (not to mention each other), the world would be a much more peaceful place.
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Report this commentHERE'S WHAT'S NEEDED, AS IN MOST CASES
Posted by: Lovedoc on Sep 22, 2007 7:01 PM
In reviewing your remarks, I realized (as my Eroanalytical Practice, a Specialty of Psychoanalysis, revealed to be common) that what was missing in your relatonship was Real Love. Not the Prince on a White Horse, dragging you away, against your childish wishes, to everlasting bliss-kind, but the Real thing---which has now been discovered, copyrighted, and had the discoverer listed in Who's Who in America). While the problem probably has to do with the varying persona revealed by your encounter. that is, that you were more intimate (closer) in revealing your true perspectives with your "friend" than you are with most sexual partners (or vice versa). Contrary to the Myth, sexual experiences have much broader microscopic and macroscopic consequences than most engaging in them consciously-consider and, hence, they're always apt to consider it a negative experience, if they dwell upon the realities (unless they're Melancholic or in denial about it, as in one night stands you "forget about" as soon as possible). With all of the diseases that aboud, alone, without even considering the macrocosmic or social realities, it's a physical impossibility that one could have an experience during a sexual encounter (especailly of short duration---let's say 1000 thoughts, merely to quantify it, argumentatively) that won't produce 1001 negative thoughts (or "am i pregnant", "did I catch something permanent", etc. notions) and, therefore be a net-negative-experience.As the New Higher Science of Love proves (and you should ask any sexual advice provider if they're Eroanaytical Board Certified, as you would've done a Medical Practitioner during the latter half of the 1800s and early 1900s), everything else is just the imaginary numbers of algebra that fail in Real Love (two wrong/negatives NEVER EQUAL a right/positive, only greater debt, decay, and descent into unhappiness and mental unhealth).
If truly positive, truly pleasureful, sexual experiences are what you're after (no Melancholia, pretense, or "Playing Tea Without Any" required, or allowed for that matter), you should study the Real Love Courses and start a "Getting Ready For Real Love Charter "(for those under 18; or one for those 18 and above) and learn how to tell if it's Real Love (the only possibility of a net positive experience), before it happens and you've had another "net negative sexual experience" that you could've avoided (as al those whom you'l be able to have net-positive-sexual-experiences with will become members, as soon as possible----the others will just be the imaginary numbers of algebra to be considered net-positives, instead of net-negatives, if put to the test of reality/science).....a "Masturbation Minus 1 Event", at the very least (depite what your pretensive "friends" may try and convice you of, otherwise, in their "imaginary number melancholia"). It's True, only Real Love "Does No Harm" (as the Hippocratic Oath requires of MDs), much less, has the possibility of being a net-positive-gain, all-encompassingly.
More details and confidentail advice can be obtained (including "Free" Charters and materials for "Getting Ready For Real Love Clubs") at Lovedoc@Lycos.com or USRecovery@gmail.com, if Lovedoc's full. You can experience Best Ever Sex and make a Best Ever Beauty of yourself, at the same time (avoiding the "Better When You Started than When You Get Through Descent" that your "mother" warned you about), you just can't do it without Real Love (it's a mathematical impossibility). Now, for the first time, you can have them both (as is impossible without Real Love).
RCCFM:Always;
Dr. Eric Durand, Ph.D.....
Who's Who in America
usrecovery@gmail.com