Ask a Sex Goddess
Dear Sex Goddess,
I've been seeing this man for four months. On our very first date, we had sex and it was amazing. Amazing. Since then we've had many dates -- or at least many evenings at my house. We have lots of energy, but he never seems to want to have sex -- just talk through problems and then leave.
After a month or so I asked what was wrong and he said he wanted to get to know me better. We hang out one-on-one all the time, he flirts and I flirt back, we talk about everything, but no sex. I'm all for getting to know each other, but this seems extreme to me. Should I be patient based on the value of the other aspects of the relationship, or date others as well?
Help
Dear Help,
You aren't going to like my answers, but I know too many loved ones who had languished in the crap of someone else's issues for far too long. You have been patient with your friend, but at this point you should consider the sex the anomaly. You hang out one-on-one, and it doesn't sound like you've met each others friends or community, and you spend most time talking though his problems. You are his closet counselor, paid with the currency of occasional physical affection.
Consider these possible truths: your 'fantastic night of sex' wasn't as good for him. That might have nothing to do with you! Your 'chemistry' isn't overcoming communication barriers that would ensure regular mind-blowing sex. Your relationship is a friendship that isn't going to be more, but could be enjoyable as is.
Dismiss the questions -- Am I unattractive? Is he gay? Will it happen this time? -- that are really assumptions. It's not working! Move on! You don't have to clear this with him, no big dramatic conversation on it, just do it for yourself.
Good luck!
Sex Goddess
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Do you have a question? Email SG at SexAndRelationships@WireTapMag.org.
Rules:
1. I hate rules!
2. There are no stupid questions, only stupid hang-ups.
3. Pleasure came before political correctness, and so should you!
4. Love yourself first.
Who: Who I am is unimportant. I do, however, enjoy sex, dally in various relationships, and on top of that I am an organizer by trade, or perhaps faith. I declare here and now that I know as much as anyone about sex and relationships -- which is roughly nothing and everything.
Why: Organizers, activists, change makers, closet progressives -- people trying to save the world often have a hard time figuring out how to ... do it. Whatever it might be at the moment -- love, dominate, submit, indulge, deny, give, take, fight, let go, wonder, know. I secretly suspect that if everyone were able to find the freedom to really love and please themselves (not to mention each other), the world would be a much more peaceful place.
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HERE'S THE DIAGNOSTIC TEST YOU NEED........
Posted by: Lovedoc on Sep 22, 2007 8:13 PM
In your remarks, I realized(as my Eroanalytical Practice, a Specialty of Psychoanalysis, revealed,commonly)that what's missing in your relationship was any sound determinants for Real Love.Sexual experiences have much broader microscopic & macroscopic consequences than most engaging in them consider &,hence, they're always apt to consider it a negative experience,if they dwell upon the realities(unless they're Melancholic or in denial about it, as in one night stands you"forget about"as soon as possible).With all of the diseases that abound,alone,without even considering the macrocosmic or social realities,it's a physical impossibility that one could have an experience during a sexual encounter(especially of short duration-let's say 1000 thoughts, merely to quantify it,argumentatively)that won't produce 1001 negative thoughts(of "am i pregnant","did I catch something permanent",etc.)&,therefore be a net-negative-experience.You needn't rely upon"old wives tales"for advice,now you can know for sure. Real Love is the most complex & far reaching of all human endeavors & you can know,with scientific certainty-now,that he doesn't know how to do it properly(nor she),it's now easy to determine if Real Love is what they're after.Like someone who can't quite add properly-yet, it's a certain fact that if they aren't even trying to learn how to do Real Love properly(as with the person that says"they're working on it,as they give you $1 back from your $20 for a $3 purchase",again,who isn't even studying addition);you now have the Scientific Diagnostic materials to determine if they're trying to learn how or not.If they decide to start the studies,write me with further details (for those Litmus Tests too), but at these early stages (the most vital and easily confused), trying to learn how (or not) is all you need. I haven't included the Test here, I was just passing through, write to the email address if you want a copy.As the New Higher Science of Love proves (you should ask any sexual advice provider if they're Eroanaytical Board Certified), everything else is just the imaginary numbers of algebra that fail in Real Love (two wrong/negatives NEVER EQUAL a right/positive, only greater debt, decay, & descent into unhappiness and mental unhealth).
If truly positive, truly pleasureful, sexual experiences are what you're after (no Melancholia, pretense, or "Playing Tea Without Any" required, or allowed), you should study the Real Love Courses and start a "Getting Ready For Real Love Charter "(for those under 18; or one for those 18 and above) and learn how to tell if it's Real Love (the only possibility of a net positive experience), before it happens & you've had another "net negative sexual experience" that you could've avoided (as all those whom you'll be able to have net-positive-sexual-experiences with will become members, as soon as possible----the others will just be the imaginary numbers of algebra to be considered net-positives, instead of net-negatives, if put to the test of reality/science).....a "Masturbation Minus 1 Event", at the very least (despite what your pretensive "friends" may try & convince you of, otherwise, in their "imaginary number melancholia"). It's True, only Real Love "Does No Harm" (as the Hippocratic Oath requires of MDs), much less, has the possibility of being a net-positive-gain, all-encompassingly.
More details & confidential advice can be obtained (including "Free" Charters & materials for "Getting Ready For Real Love Clubs") at Lovedoc@Lycos.com or USRecovery@gmail.com, if Lovedoc's full. You can experience Best Ever Sex & make a Best Ever Beauty of yourself, at the same time (avoiding the "Better When You Started than When You Get Through Descent" that your "mother" warned you about), you just can't do it without Real Love (it's a mathematical impossibility). Now, for the first time, you can have them both.RCCFM:Always;Dr. Eric Durand, Ph.D.....Who's Who in America