Freaky Fridays

By Sex Goddess, January 23, 2007

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Sex Column: 'If I introduce my girlfriend to my parents, does that mean we are serious? She says yes, I say no.'

I've fallen in love with a man who is super gay. He is out and about, in 'the life', a queer activist, he spends most of his time with gay men, he has a whole gay analysis, people can tell he is gay when they see him, he is so gay. So, so gay. And I love him. I've never been in a gay march, never had a dramatic afterschool special coming out, have always just done my relationships in private. I don't think I am battling 'internalized homophobia' because I don't wear my queer identity on my sleeve. I love him no less, I'm not trying to hide from our love or keep it a secret, I am just not that kind of gay. Bedroom stuff is bedroom stuff, period. Are we doomed?

Just Not That Gay

Dear Not That Gay,

I don't believe two self-aware people who are willing to talk through things and listen can be doomed. However, you are in need of some conversations, and here are some guiding questions:

1. What kind of couple are we -- public, private, long-term, day-by-day, etc?
2. Is sex the central aspect of this relationship?
3. Is either of us scared of how this relationship might change our lives?
My two cents?
A. Relationships are not composed of just bedroom stuff. You are relating on multiple levels to this other person. You are in love. Respect that.
B. Consider for a moment that the level of privacy you like to keep might be somewhat related to a desire in you to continue your record of no afterschool special coming out moments. Never let fear guide your behavior.
C. The struggles the gay community is dealing with are not limited to some special kind of supergays. Not everyone is an activist, and not every activist works on every issue, but you need to develop a respect for your love, not just dismiss his life's work as the territory of 'that kind of gay' person.

SG

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Sex Goddess,

I took my girl to meet my family over the holidays. She don't get along with her fam all that good, mine's closer, just made sense. She and my mom was real cool. And she let me hit it in my parents' bedroom, so of course that shit was hot. But now she is acting like we about to get married. How do I let her know that it's all good and I'm feelin her but it ain't like on some forever shit right now, not to rule that out but just to put shit back into place?

Holla
That Bawla

Dear Bawla,

Let me see if I understand your dilemma ... you took your girlfriend home to meet your parents, made sweet love to her in the sacred room of their marriage, and she bonded with your mother, and you didn't expect her to see that as a few steps to a more serious relationship?

Silly boy. Love doesn't have some place where it stays. You can't control it. So, my only advice is to not stick your foot in your mouth and ruin a relationship that means enough to you that you took her home. Eventually you might even understand your own actions.

SG

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Do you have a question? Email SG at SexAndRelationships@WireTapMag.org.

Rules:

1. I hate rules!
2. There are no stupid questions, only stupid hang-ups.
3. Pleasure came before political correctness, and so should you!
4. Love yourself first.

Who: Who I am is unimportant. I do, however, enjoy sex, dally in various relationships, and on top of that I am an organizer by trade, or perhaps faith. I declare here and now that I know as much as anyone about sex and relationships -- which is roughly nothing and everything.

Why: Organizers, activists, change makers, closet progressives -- people trying to save the world often have a hard time figuring out how to ... do it. Whatever it might be at the moment -- love, dominate, submit, indulge, deny, give, take, fight, let go, wonder, know. I secretly suspect that if everyone were able to find the freedom to really love and please themselves (not to mention each other), the world would be a much more peaceful place.

Click here to access all of SG's sex and relationships wisdom.