Ask A Sex Goddess

By Sex Goddess, February 18, 2007

• Comment Now
• Email
• Print
• Reprints
• Share

Sex Column: 'My partner and I often talk about threesomes. How do I bring this conversation to that next step? Should I even be trying to complicate our lives with this new element?

My long-time girlfriend and I recently got married, and we sometimes talk about bringing a third person into our relationship, usually a second woman. She's told me, in another lifetime, she'd probably be openly bi. But her upbringing (and mine too) has had an ample share of "thou shalt not's" built in, a legacy of early churchly upbringing for both of us.

And yet we have played games of "who turns you on," and agreed on a surprising number of common female movie or music stars we'd both like to take to bed. And there's one particular person I'm writing about now -- her best friend from university days (music degree) is also someone we'd both like to take to bed. Her best friend is also recently married (as are we), and moved away to NYC. Her friend is aware we both have a yanka for her bones, and she does not seem offended by our teasing compliments to her. FYI, at mostly my request, she danced a totally hot flamenco at our wedding, as part of the evening's entertainment. She danced it because I told her that my sweetie told me, if there ever was a woman she'd take to bed, it would be her friend, and all because sweetie saw her dancing flamenco to advertise some of the university's course offerings. Friend was flattered, and danced a truly memorable flamenco that I am sure heated both of us up. Since then, we have both passed along teasing, but half-serious compliments to friend in NYC (far away), which are always well-received.

I'd like to take it a step further, and invite our beautiful sexy friend back up north for a visit, to stay for a few days. More, I'd like to suggest we use that time to mutually explore our friend, together, and one at a time.

How do I bring this delightful, slightly sinful conversation from being a conversation piece to that next step? Should I even be trying to complicate our lives with this new element? And presuming I successfully get the friend to come visit, how do we get to the point of playing with each other, in pairs and in trio, while avoiding issues like "who do you love better" or other competitions or comparisons?

Truly interested in your answer(s).

Amourous in Canada.

Dear Amorous in Canada,

Ah, the delightful politics of three. You are well on your way to a delightful time. The next conversations I would recommend are these:

1. A conversation between you and your wife, seriously, about whether you are ready to take this step as a couple. For the sake of the conversation, it doesn't matter who the third person is, bringing any other person into your young marriage is very serious. Ask yourselves:

- What role has jealousy played for us in this relationship? In other relationships?
- Are we taking care of each other's sexual needs?
- Is bringing another partner into our relationship is a one-time thing? A new practice? Does it always have to be someone we agree on?

2. A conversation between your wife and her best friend. 'Not being offended' by teasing is quite different from responding to a serious proposition. The friendship between your wife and her friend would be on the line as much as all the marital ties. Some questions for them to consider:

- Why haven't we crossed this line in our friendship before?
- How has jealousy worked in our relationship in the past?
- What are all the possible outcomes to this delightful tryst?
- Is the lust tri-mutual?

3. A conversation between your friend and her husband. Is he invited?

Now, you could chuck all these considerations and just invite her up, put on some Barry White and slizzer everyone up for potentially awesome or remarkably awkward results, but with marriages and best friendships on the line I say be up front and brave with making a real proposition and a real plan.

Additional resources: The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Catherine A Liszt.

Keep me posted!

SG

=======

Sex Goddess is now on MySpace! Visit, chat and add her as your friend.

Do you have a question? Email SG at SexAndRelationships@WireTapMag.org.

Rules:

1. I hate rules!
2. There are no stupid questions, only stupid hang-ups.
3. Pleasure came before political correctness, and so should you!
4. Love yourself first.

Who: Who I am is unimportant. I do, however, enjoy sex, dally in various relationships, and on top of that I am an organizer by trade, or perhaps faith. I declare here and now that I know as much as anyone about sex and relationships -- which is roughly nothing and everything.

Why: Organizers, activists, change makers, closet progressives -- people trying to save the world often have a hard time figuring out how to ... do it. Whatever it might be at the moment -- love, dominate, submit, indulge, deny, give, take, fight, let go, wonder, know. I secretly suspect that if everyone were able to find the freedom to really love and please themselves (not to mention each other), the world would be a much more peaceful place.

Click here to access all of SG's sex and relationships wisdom.