Ask A Sex Goddess

By Sex Goddess, March 18, 2007

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If you are in love with an addict, should you try to change him, leave him, or ... what else?

I'm in love with a cokehead. He was a cokehead when I was in like with him, and a cokehead all through my being in lust with him. He is amazing and brilliant and I firmly believe he is better than anyone else in the world. I go through the whole day seeking his company. Utter delight. He is my utter delight. Except for one side effect of his cokeheadedness. It's the sex. Our sex is deeply impacted by his habit. He either wants to have this fast, hard, crazy sex which doesn't last long enough, or he's not in the mood. It's not cool. We also occasionally have nights that are going wonderfully and he's all bright and talkative and I feel so connected with him I want to rock his world and then boom, he crashes and passes out. I don't do coke, so it's very imbalanced. My question is not about him, changing him. It's about me. If the sex wasn't so inconsistent I would have no other complaints. Am I an idiot enabler?

Love My Man

Dear Love My Man,

There's a little voice in my head that just jumped up and screamed "YES!" in enthusiastic response to your last question. Then it said, "He's messing up his nose and his energy balance! It's hard to stay a functional cokehead for long!" But that's my traditional, judging voice. Now my more evolved, non-judging voice is weighing in. There's nothing in your email that indicates that you are interested in leaving him, and you are wise to understand that this isn't about changing him. Y'all are adults. So what I would suggest is to think deeply about the kind of sex life you want -- how often, how long, how deep, how hard, how focused, how ... you know ... how do you want it? And then tell him that, exactly. And explain how you see the yayo standing between you and your sex dreams. You love him, sounds like he's the one you want. So come up with an action plan to hold on to each other. For example, if you can get him to commit to taking an enthusiastic flickery trip downtown before wham-bamming you, it will help make the coke sex more satisfying. Or test-run a morning pre-coke sex schedule.

Good luck!

SG

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Rules:

1. I hate rules!
2. There are no stupid questions, only stupid hang-ups.
3. Pleasure came before political correctness, and so should you!
4. Love yourself first.

Who: Who I am is unimportant. I do, however, enjoy sex, dally in various relationships, and on top of that I am an organizer by trade, or perhaps faith. I declare here and now that I know as much as anyone about sex and relationships -- which is roughly nothing and everything.

Why: Organizers, activists, change makers, closet progressives -- people trying to save the world often have a hard time figuring out how to ... do it. Whatever it might be at the moment -- love, dominate, submit, indulge, deny, give, take, fight, let go, wonder, know. I secretly suspect that if everyone were able to find the freedom to really love and please themselves (not to mention each other), the world would be a much more peaceful place.

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