Ask A Sex Goddess

By Sex Goddess, July 13, 2007

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Sex Column: My butch girlfriend expects to be the boss and initiator on everything; she expects me to be a submissive femme. How do I change that?

I have been seeing this woman for a few months, who is extremely butch and we have so much in common in terms of how we see the world, power dynamics, challenging monogamy. Lately, however, it's become really clear to me that she is only comfortable challenging patriarchal power outside of our relationship, and in it, she expects to be the boss and initiator on everything; expects me to be a submissive femme. I love her but how do I get her to really challenge male-centered power dynamics behind closed doors?

Much appreciated

Unbowed

Dear Unbowed,

One discussion. Highlight how you really want to try practicing a new power dynamic more in line with your politics. Let her know that it's a make or break issue. Make clear suggestions for how you could both track the shift in power. Check back in on it and if nothing changes, move right along.

OR

Ask if you can role play the butch and femme in the bedroom and see how it feels, if it opens any emotional doors. Do you actually like it? Do you know what your more empowered femme voice sounds like? Good sex between very present partners can accomplish more than a conversation.

Sex Goddess

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Who: Who I am is unimportant. I do, however, enjoy sex, dally in various relationships, and on top of that I am an organizer by trade, or perhaps faith. I declare here and now that I know as much as anyone about sex and relationships -- which is roughly nothing and everything.

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