Ask a Sex Goddess

By Sex Goddess, June 13, 2008

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What does an independent, self-loving person look like?

" ... This self love talk might sound nice, but what does it look like? To be honest, I have no idea. I signed up for a salsa class to tackle my rhythmic handicaps -- does that count? I meet up with a group of friends every Monday night to have dinner. I devote entire weekends to hanging out with my mom and my dog, watching episodes of The Wire and eating boxes of eggo waffles. I can't say that I've learned myself any better. I honestly have no idea what an independent, self-loving person might look like. I'm also afraid that the goal itself might be circular and misinformed -- what if I just waste a bunch of time trying to be more independent than I was yesterday? If love is limitless, how will I know if I've actually gotten there? And where the hell am I trying to go anyway? Some of my friends disagree. They think that I'm punishing myself. Why not just find someone to build with instead of being alone? And what do I know about life or love? I'm not even old enough to rent a car yet. I'm still figuring it out. ..."

Sex Goddess Responds:

One of the best ways to begin self-love is to establish a daily practice. It can be physical, emotional, spiritual, sexual, or any combination thereof: yoga, improvisational dance in your living room, an early morning or late evening walk, journaling, meditation, prayer, singing, masturbating. Whatever it is, it is an opportunity to tune into yourself, and it sends a signal to your mind/body continuum that says, "I am an important part of the earth and I deserve some time and attention." This message will vibrate throughout all of your other interactions, and you will find yourself prioritizing your personal needs in situations where you would normally have ignored them: friendships, romances, work places, and organizing spaces.

You will be able to do this because, suddenly, you will know what your needs are. Keep in mind that in a society ever-bent on making us feel that our personal needs can only be satisfied through consumption, addiction, and the constant performance of the self -- it is a revolutionary act to look inward, and it is a transformative act to choose a life of health and wellbeing. When we get frustrated by the fact that the world isn't changing quickly enough, it helps to remember that the world changes as quickly as we do. Good luck!

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Do you have a question? Email SG at SexAndRelationships@WireTapMag.org.

Rules:

1. I hate rules!
2. There are no stupid questions, only stupid hang-ups.
3. Pleasure came before political correctness, and so should you!
4. Love yourself first.

Who: Who I am is unimportant. I do, however, enjoy sex, dally in various relationships, and on top of that I am an organizer by trade, or perhaps faith. I declare here and now that I know as much as anyone about sex and relationships -- which is roughly nothing and everything.

Why: Organizers, activists, change makers, closet progressives -- people trying to save the world often have a hard time figuring out how to ... do it. Whatever it might be at the moment -- love, dominate, submit, indulge, deny, give, take, fight, let go, wonder, know. I secretly suspect that if everyone were able to find the freedom to really love and please themselves (not to mention each other), the world would be a much more peaceful place.