Ask a Sex Goddess

By Sex Goddess, July 7, 2008

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This week: I'm just not in the mood -- is cuddling enough?

I am in a relationship with a partner that I am really excited about. I could even see committing long term (marriage? maybe?) and having kids. Right now we are in a bit of a sex funk, however. When we are having sex regularly, I love it and it's great and I always orgasm. But right now I am just not interested in having sex. At all. Is this a danger sign? Should I (or he) be worried about what it means for our relationship? Any advice would be appreciated!

Is Cuddling Enough?

Brooklyn, NY

Dear Is Cuddling Enough~

In a word, yes. But there's more to it than that, obvi. Sex changes a LOT over the course of a relationship. It's not as simple as exiting the "honeymoon phase" and entering the "long-term phase." The nature of how you relate sexually to a partner, any partner, depends on a diversity of factors. Some are internal to your relationship - for example, you may be having blow out fights that you never resolve, but follow them up with incredible, passionate fucking. This is what we in the field of advice-giving call conflict avoidance. However, many factors are external to your relationship - general stress, past partners, multiple partners, grief, illness, medications, transitions, successes, failures, destroying capitalism...the point is this: you are a whole person and your sexuality is directly connected to and impacted by whatever is happening in your life.

The question is: are you and your partner on the same page about why you aren't having sex? You love your partner and you love sex with your partner, so your lack of desire is not for lack of satisfaction. The culprit is most likely an external factor that is interfering with your ability to express yourself sexually. Depending on your background and sexual history, the external factor which could exert so much power over your sex life could be anything from changes within your family to feeling overwhelmed by a new project. I am not an astrologist, so you will have to figure that part of it out. Perhaps your partner can help.

As long as you and your partner are communicating openly and honestly about the sex you are having or not having, and as long as you both have ways of satisfying your mutual need for intimacy (such as cuddling), then you are almost certainly not in danger. In my experience, if you have to ask whether or not something is a danger sign, it probably isn't. So take this time to intentionally explore other ways of being intimate: give each other massages, take baths together, or take a day trip somewhere you wouldn't normally go. After all, maybe you've been working your ass off and just need to relax.

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Do you have a question? Email SG at SexAndRelationships@WireTapMag.org.

Rules:

1. I hate rules!
2. There are no stupid questions, only stupid hang-ups.
3. Pleasure came before political correctness, and so should you!
4. Love yourself first.

Who: Who I am is unimportant. I do, however, enjoy sex, dally in various relationships, and on top of that I am an organizer by trade, or perhaps faith. I declare here and now that I know as much as anyone about sex and relationships -- which is roughly nothing and everything.

Why: Organizers, activists, change makers, closet progressives -- people trying to save the world often have a hard time figuring out how to ... do it. Whatever it might be at the moment -- love, dominate, submit, indulge, deny, give, take, fight, let go, wonder, know. I secretly suspect that if everyone were able to find the freedom to really love and please themselves (not to mention each other), the world would be a much more peaceful place.