Ask a Sex Goddess

By Sex Goddess, July 14, 2008

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Can having an open relationship really work?

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Dear Sex Goddess- I am in an open relationship and my primary partner and I have been together off and on for 7 years. She rarely dates other people, but does enjoy a random hook up here and there. I, on the other hand, tend to see other people for extended periods of time. Some of these "secondary" relationships are more intense than others. Things have gotten pretty serious with my current secondary partner - we are having an amazing time together but it's becoming a problem. My secondary partner says that he is falling in love with me and wants to transition to being my primary partner and eventually my ONLY partner. I love him, and I don't want to lose the relationship, but I am committed to my primary partner. Also, I have no desire to have a male-bodied person as my primary partner (much less my only partner). What should I do?

Feeling Torn

L.A.

Dear Feeling Torn~ Well, you're popular! No, I'm kidding. I don't mean to make light of your predicament. Open relationships are a lot of work and present a very different set of challenges from closed relationships.

One of the keys to a successful open relationship, when you use the primary partner/secondary partner(s) model, is that your secondary partner(s) can respect your primary partnership as the primary one. Sometimes, of course, a transition will naturally occur, in which a secondary partner becomes primary, that all partners can recognize is for the best, even if it is painful. But it doesn't sound like case in your situation.

You must set clear boundaries with your secondary partner. If he cannot accept the status quo, then you may have to accept losing the relationship. Because his lack of respect for your primary partnership is dangerous to your primary partnership, and the potential cause of a lot of unnecessary drama. So, be honest with him about what can change and what cannot change. Find out if his desire to be more intimate with you can be satisfied in other ways. But prepare yourself for the outcome, which could be wonderful or difficult and sad. After all, the fact that he wants to eventually be your ONLY partner does not bode well for his ability to hang with the open relationship.

Good luck!

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Do you have a question? Email SG at SexAndRelationships@WireTapMag.org.

Rules:

1. I hate rules!

2. There are no stupid questions, only stupid hang-ups.

3. Pleasure came before political correctness, and so should you!

4. Love yourself first.

Who: Who I am is unimportant. I do, however, enjoy sex, dally in various relationships, and on top of that I am an organizer by trade, or perhaps faith. I declare here and now that I know as much as anyone about sex and relationships -- which is roughly nothing and everything.

Why: Organizers, activists, change makers, closet progressives -- people trying to save the world often have a hard time figuring out how to ... do it. Whatever it might be at the moment -- love, dominate, submit, indulge, deny, give, take, fight, let go, wonder, know. I secretly suspect that if everyone were able to find the freedom to really love and please themselves (not to mention each other), the world would be a much more peaceful place.