Ask a Sex Goddess

By Sex Goddess, July 26, 2008

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Am I ready to get pregnant?

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Dear Sex Goddess - I desperately want to get pregnant, but my partner is not interested in having kids right now. We are in our mid-20s, and he wants to wait until we are in our early 30s. I cannot imagine waiting that long. I dream about being pregnant or being in labor about once a week, and when I think about having to wait 5 more years (at least), I find myself crying hysterically. I want to respect his concerns but at the same time I feel he is standing in the way of me being able to fulfill one of the most important and natural functions of my body. What should I do?

Physically Frustrated

San Francisco, CA

Dear Physically Frustrated - Yep, this one is loaded. What used to be a relatively simple choice for most couples (or not a choice at all), has shifted a great deal in certain classes/stratas of society in the last century. Couples attempting to decide whether or not to become pregnant struggle with issues of relationship boundaries, timing, careers, life goals, finances, genetics, broken families...the list goes on.

There are a couple of things I would encourage you to consider:

1) Do you desperately want to get pregnant, or do you desperately want to start a family? There is a lot of overlap in these two desires, but they are still very different desires. In your mid-20s, you are at the prime of your fertility. Your body is ready for pregnancy and perfectly suited to for it at this time. So it makes a LOT of sense that you would like to become pregnant, biologically and emotionally. However, there is a baby on the other end of pregnancy. Babies become toddlers, and then children, and then teenagers, and then young adults, and then 20 somethings and on and on.They are whole persons. With lives.

I am not intending in any way to discourage you - I actually think becoming a mother in your 20s is marvelous! But it is important that you are doing it because you want to become a mother and you accept the responsibility of being a new soul's first guide on this earth, not just because you want to experience how special pregnancy is.

2) If you have considered the above question and discovered that becoming a mother/parent is the real deal and you wanna go for it, then you should begin thinking about what kind of compromises you are willing to make in order to bring your goals to, uh, fruition. For instance, can you and your partner compromise and wait 2-3 years instead of 5 years? If your partner is adamant that he is not ready, but you are adamant that you are, are you willing to consider becoming a parent without him? Are you willing to consider going solo as a single mother, or co-parenting with someone who is not your partner?

The truth is that there are a lot of ways to become a parent. All of them require some kind of a sacrifice, and that is part of the beauty of making room in your life for new life. Only you can know what type of sacrifice will feel like hell, and what type of sacrifice will feel like a gift. (Hint, hint: the latter type is what you are looking for!). I wish you the best of luck on your journey!

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Do you have a question? Email SG at SexAndRelationships@WireTapMag.org.

Rules:

1. I hate rules!

2. There are no stupid questions, only stupid hang-ups.

3. Pleasure came before political correctness, and so should you!

4. Love yourself first.

Who: Who I am is unimportant. I do, however, enjoy sex, dally in various relationships, and on top of that I am an organizer by trade, or perhaps faith. I declare here and now that I know as much as anyone about sex and relationships -- which is roughly nothing and everything.

Why: Organizers, activists, change makers, closet progressives -- people trying to save the world often have a hard time figuring out how to ... do it. Whatever it might be at the moment -- love, dominate, submit, indulge, deny, give, take, fight, let go, wonder, know. I secretly suspect that if everyone were able to find the freedom to really love and please themselves (not to mention each other), the world would be a much more peaceful place.