Ask a Sex Goddess

By Sex Goddess, September 6, 2008

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I think my boyfriend's best friend is in love with him.

My boyfriend is reconnecting with his ex-best friend, a woman he has not seen in over a year. They had a major falling out, and now, at her request, he is considering giving the friendship a second chance. I have some serious misgivings about this woman's intentions towards my boyfriend. I suspect that she is secretly in love with him - based on my own intuition as well as a number of comments she has made over the years - and I believe this to be a major factor in why their friendship fell apart in the first place. But my boyfriend does not believe this could be possible, and gets angry with me anytime I suggest the possibility. I don't know what to do because I do not want to and cannot control who he is friends with, but this particular relationship makes me incredibly uncomfortable, for obvious reasons. This ex-best friend is the cause of every fight we have. How can I get this woman out of my life??

Not a Nag

Minneapolis, MN

Dear Not a Nag ~ Well, as a sex goddess, I am a big believer in intuition. Especially in regard to other women. So unless you have a history of paranoia and/or unfounded jealousy, you are probably correct in your suspicions that this ex-best friend harbors intentions towards your boyfriend that go beyond friendship. She may not be in love with him, but it is quite possible that she has unresolved sexual or romantic feelings towards him. This can be a normal part of an intense relationship.

That being said, there is nothing you can say or do that will change her feelings towards him, and if your boyfriend is serious about giving the friendship a second chance, it is highly likely that there is nothing you can say or do to change his feelings, either.

The real issue you are contending with is not her intentions towards him, but his intentions towards her. If you trust your boyfriend and you know that he just wants to renew the friendship, then all you can and should do is maturely, clearly explain your concerns and request that he remain mindful of physical and emotional boundaries as he enters into the relationship. This is a fair request.

If you do not trust your boyfriend and his intentions, then you have a very different issue to contend with: why am I dating someone I do not trust? Is my inability to trust him based on his behavior or on my own insecurities?

Whether you trust your boyfriend or not, it is prudent to remember that ultimately, the resolution to the situation lies within your relationship. This is not about the ex-best friend, it's about you and your boyfriend. You cannot get rid of her (and even if you could, there will always be someone or something presenting a challenge to your relationship), but you can change the way you relate to her presence in your life, and you can change the way you and your boyfriend communicate when it comes to other women. Good luck!

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Do you have a question? Email SG at SexAndRelationships@WireTapMag.org.

Rules:

1. I hate rules!

2. There are no stupid questions, only stupid hang-ups.

3. Pleasure came before political correctness, and so should you!

4. Love yourself first.

Who: Who I am is unimportant. I do, however, enjoy sex, dally in various relationships, and on top of that I am an organizer by trade, or perhaps faith. I declare here and now that I know as much as anyone about sex and relationships -- which is roughly nothing and everything.

Why: Organizers, activists, change makers, closet progressives -- people trying to save the world often have a hard time figuring out how to ... do it. Whatever it might be at the moment -- love, dominate, submit, indulge, deny, give, take, fight, let go, wonder, know. I secretly suspect that if everyone were able to find the freedom to really love and please themselves (not to mention each other), the world would be a much more peaceful place.