Ask a Sex Goddess

By Sex Goddess September 13, 2008

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If I had been positive for a serious STD like syphillis or gonorrhea, how would I go about telling my past and current sexual partners?

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Dear Sex Goddess~ I recently had an STD scare - some serious irritation and stankiness to the point where I felt the need to get tested. Fortunately, my tests came back negative, but it got me thinking: if I had been positive for a serious STD like syphillis or gonorrhea, how would I go about telling my past and current sexual partners? Is there a protocol for telling people that you have - and may have given them - a serious disease?

Just Wondering

Atlanta, GA

Dear Just Wondering~ Unfortunately for the Sidney Bristows of this world, there is no protocol for sharing challenging news. There are, however, cool and uncool ways of going about it.

Cool: Call the (s)ex partner up and tell him/her/ze/zir that you have difficult news that you need to share, that you would like to speak in person about it but if that is impossible, you can do it over the phone. Tell the person straight up that you just found out you have ___, that you believe you caught it at ___ time (if you have any sense of that), and that you recommend the person get tested asap. And remember to apologize for putting the person at risk, even if you had no idea you were doing so, and even if you used protection everytime. It does not change anything: bad news is bad news. But an apology, in this situation, can go a long way towards preserving the relationship.

Uncool: Send a mass email or text message to all possible impacted parties that reads "Um, I have syphilis and thought you should know...:-(..."

Also Uncool: Trying to blame it on one of your past partners if you don't know how you got it. That's just tacky.

It is always helpful to bear in mind that, given current medical knowledge and technology, getting an STD is not the end of the world or the end of your sex life. It does, however, change the nature of the game. You are always responsible for being up front with all current and future sexual partners about your status, because lying puts other peoples livelihoods at risk.

Good luck!

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Do you have a question? Email SG at SexAndRelationships@WireTapMag.org.

Rules:

1. I hate rules!

2. There are no stupid questions, only stupid hang-ups.

3. Pleasure came before political correctness, and so should you!

4. Love yourself first.

Who: Who I am is unimportant. I do, however, enjoy sex, dally in various relationships, and on top of that I am an organizer by trade, or perhaps faith. I declare here and now that I know as much as anyone about sex and relationships -- which is roughly nothing and everything.

Why: Organizers, activists, change makers, closet progressives -- people trying to save the world often have a hard time figuring out how to ... do it. Whatever it might be at the moment -- love, dominate, submit, indulge, deny, give, take, fight, let go, wonder, know. I secretly suspect that if everyone were able to find the freedom to really love and please themselves (not to mention each other), the world would be a much more peaceful place.