Ask a Sex Goddess

By Sex Goddess, September 20, 2008

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My partner is loving when we're alone, but abusive when we're in groups.

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Dear Sex Goddess~ I think I might be dating two different people! My girlfriend is one person when we're alone, and a very different person when we are in public - specifically in terms of how she treats me. In public and in front of our friends she treats me terribly - she is hyper critical and makes fun of me. But in private she is loving and respectful. Who am I really dating? The tender woman I see when we are alone, or the frightening harpy she becomes when we walk out the door? How do I address her behavior?

Suffering from Double-Partner Syndrome

Lansing, MI

Dear Suffering from DPS ~ I hate to break it to you, but the answer is BOTH. Your girlfriend has the capacity to be both tender and terrible, but she is selective about when she exhibits each behavior. Her reasons for treating you terribly in public could be anything from a need to assert ownership over you (she pisses on you, you belong to her) to a need to compete with you for the attention of friends. Her reasons for treating you tenderly in private are obvious: she wants to keep you hanging on (and she probably does care about you, just not in a healthy way).

However, it is necessary that you recognize that she is being abusive towards you, and that you must address her behavior as a form of abuse. First, tell her that you experience her behavior as abuse. She may be aware that she isn't acting right, but she may not have thought of it in those terms. Before you can begin working on your problem, you have to Name It. Then, explore couples counseling and/or individual therapy; or consider taking a break from the relationship so that you can both get some space to consider the type of relationship you want to be in and whether or not that is possible with each other. Yall should also spend a weekend talking about what other changes you are willing to make in order to be healthy together.

Throughout this process, make sure you have a good friend you can turn to, so you can talk about what is happening with someone who isn't her.

If she is willing to do the work in order to be healthy with you, stick with her and she will come correct. If she isn't, let her go. Good luck!

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Do you have a question? Email SG at SexAndRelationships@WireTapMag.org.

Rules:

1. I hate rules!

2. There are no stupid questions, only stupid hang-ups.

3. Pleasure came before political correctness, and so should you!

4. Love yourself first.

Who: Who I am is unimportant. I do, however, enjoy sex, dally in various relationships, and on top of that I am an organizer by trade, or perhaps faith. I declare here and now that I know as much as anyone about sex and relationships -- which is roughly nothing and everything.

Why: Organizers, activists, change makers, closet progressives -- people trying to save the world often have a hard time figuring out how to ... do it. Whatever it might be at the moment -- love, dominate, submit, indulge, deny, give, take, fight, let go, wonder, know. I secretly suspect that if everyone were able to find the freedom to really love and please themselves (not to mention each other), the world would be a much more peaceful place.